Do Unto Others...

I've been thinking about that old saying, the Golden Rule. I am often reminding my children that the way it goes is "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you" not "Do unto others as others have done unto you." (This is usually after one has justified himself by saying something like "but he never shares with me..." or "but he hits me all the time...") This little rule is definitely a good rule to live by!

However, I’ve been realizing lately that there are exceptions to this rule. Let me explain. I’ve been married over 16 years now to a wonderful man. We have a lot of things in common, but we are also very different. Here’s one way that we are different: I’m a complete neat freak, and he doesn’t mind (or even notice) clutter. As a matter of fact, I think he prefers to have his things spread out on tops of tables and countertops so that if he wants something, it’s right there at his fingertips—he doesn’t have to look for it.

Well, over the years, we’ve found ways to compromise. Which mainly means that he has a few choice spots (his nightstand, for example) where he is allowed to spread out his stuff and I leave it alone (most of the time!) and then in the rest of the house, I get my way. (Which actually means that I am constantly picking up everybody else’s stuff and putting it away where it belongs--but I digress.)

So recently I found the toothpaste sitting out on the counter when I went to brush my teeth. Feeling annoyed over this reminder that no one else in the house ever puts things back where they belong, I made sure that I put the toothpaste back in the medicine cabinet when I was finished. Later, when Frank came up to brush his teeth, he commented in a kind of hurt voice “You didn’t leave the toothpaste out for me. I left it out for you.”

Hmmm…reality check! How often am I annoyed by the things he does, when actually he is trying to please me? How often is he hurt because of the things I do, when actually all I am doing is doing what I think he will like? But here is the problem—I’m basing what I think he will like on what I would like. He’s doing for me what he’d like done for him. We’re forgetting that we’re two very different people!

I actually heard a story once that dramatically illustrates my point. I hope it isn’t true, but for what it’s worth, here it is: A couple was getting a divorce. She complained bitterly that he just didn’t care about her—that he was selfish and inconsiderate. The main thing that really stuck in her mind was that whenever he made a sandwich for her, he gave her the “heel” at the end of the loaf. He never ate the heel himself—he always gave it to her. Sometime after the divorce was final, she asked him how he could be so inconsiderate as to always do that to her. He was shocked, and then meekly explained that in his family, everybody loved the heel. Because they all wanted it, they always had to take turns who got it. When they married, he decided that he would always let her have the heel. It never occurred to him that she didn’t like the heel! Giving her the heel was actually one of the ways that he tried to show his love for her. So sad that she misunderstood his intentions!

So sometimes the Golden Rule doesn’t work. Instead of doing to others what we would like them to do for us, we need to stop and think a little harder. What would that person want the most? We can’t always assume that it’s the same thing that we would want!

I got out of the shower one day recently and found my contact lenses and deodorant sitting out on the counter, waiting for me. I smiled. He loves me!